I have always been one who says I am trusting in the Lord’s plan, only to realize I am relying on my own self to get me by. In fact, I have found this seems to be my own little cycle. I say and truly believe I am trusting in the Lord’s plan to guide me and fulfill me, but after a minor blow, I realize I am not trusting the Lord and then tend to start the cycle over again. I think this is something a lot of us can relate to. It’s this part of humanity and sin that makes us feel like we want at least a little bit of power in the way our lives shape up. At a time I thought everything was going exactly according to plan, I had to ask myself, “If God took away the very things that I love, is God still good?”

words + photographs MILANA HAINLINE

I graduated from college in Springfield, Missouri, in May of last year. Upon graduating, I received the exciting news that I was offered a position to teach an older grade at my dream school in Arkansas. Prior to receiving this call, I had driven to this school frequently before job openings were even posted, and I would sit in my car late at night and just pray. I wanted to work at this exact school, in this exact district for a while. I wanted to not only pray fervently but ask for the Lord’s hand and guidance. When I received the news I would be working at my dream school and my dream grade level, I was so incredibly thankful. It is easy to see the Lord at work when prayers are answered just the way we want them to be, right?

I spent the summer preparing for my first year of teaching and moving to a brand new state. Moving was hard and required a lot of trust in the Lord to find Christ-centered community. However, I was ecstatic to be doing what I would be doing. I prayed over my students leading up to the first day of school. I spent every ounce of my time making my classroom look just right for them – cozy, welcoming, a place in which they could find another home. The first month with my kiddos was a dream. I was so happy all the time. To me, it felt like one of those moments where you can only say, “Thank you, God, for this.” Within the first month, I gained such a deep love for these kiddos I truly mean it when I say I would have jumped in front of a moving car for them. I think most teachers are like that. I assure you they love your kiddos deeply.

In the middle of the week, while my kiddos were at art, I was catching up on some quick work. My boss called a team meeting to let us know one of us would be moving to a kindergarten class the next week. This teacher’s current students would all be moved to different classes at the same time. Usually when things like this happen, the last hired is the one to move, which was me. My boss opened it up to a volunteer first. I prayed and begged God to let it be someone else who actually had experience in kindergarten. Here I was a first-year teacher who wasn’t even certified in kindergarten, just moved to this new city with my only community at the time being my team. Yet no one volunteered, and I knew the person moving would be me.

I was called into the office that afternoon for them to break the news to me. I had a few more days with my kiddos and then would need to move to this new grade level with brand new students. It was a blow I didn’t know how to handle. The day before, I had texted another teacher back home to say I felt like I was living in a time filled with the things I had prayed about, only to text her the very next day trying to figure out where God was in all of this. How can one prepare for a move that big? I felt unequipped, misled, angry, confused. My family and friends were back at home, and I didn’t know how to manage it all.

While I was trying to find a way to maintain relationships with my older students, God blessed me with the opportunity to love on these sweet, sweet kindergarten kiddos who hadn’t known school but for only a month. I had relied so heavily on what I had, I was unwilling to make room for the Lord to move in the ways He needed to and wanted to. I had paved my own plan in my head on how my year and career would go, but isn’t that the opposite of what we are promised when we are in a relationship with the Lord? Instead of praying for the Lord to move in unexpected ways, I was praying only about what I could see right in front of me. I would pray for the Lord to use me but never expected such a prayer to be answered. But God knows exactly what we need. God bless the fact His plan perseveres over my own. That move ended up being one of the craziest but best things for me. While I was still trying to figure out this grade level, God let my heart be filled by these amazing kiddos who see the world so much better than I sometimes do.

Through the transition, which was incredibly hard and uncomfortable to say the least, I had to get to a place to fully allow the Lord to move, to guide, and to take full control. I had to ask myself the question, “If God took away what I love, is He still good?” The answer is yes. Because even though we remember what is no longer in place, when we have faith, we look to what God is doing and is restoring. It is what we are called to do. To be good stewards of His Word and let Him take care of the rest.

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We were not meant to do the comfortable; instead, we are called to use those uncomfortable moments to grow from them.

Seeing I am still within this same school year, I can say the Lord is teaching me something new every day. I love my job, and I love the challenges, the highs and the low moments, and the little laughs I get to have with my cute kindergarteners. We were not meant to do the comfortable; instead, we are called to use those uncomfortable moments to grow from them. The Lord’s plan for my life is much better than the one I could craft for myself. He knew I needed to experience this from the start to not only grow me as a teacher, but to grow me as a person.

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