Hey, Michael.

I am future you.

And I am going to share some things I hope sink in.

You need to carefully read this and pay attention.

You are still a mess today, but you have grown in many ways. You will not be the same person you currently are. I promise.

Some challenging seasons will come, mostly of your own doing. God will use the challenges to mold and shape you.

As these things come in time, listen. Be open to feedback, pray about the situation, give advice to yourself as if someone were asking you about the situation. Lean on your (spoiler alert) wife, ask your wise council for advice, and — most of all — abide in Jesus.

Jesus redeemed you and can carry you through anything.

Let God teach you through the storms of life.

In each of your actions and decisions, you will show what/who you truly value. Be honest with yourself and the reality of your condition. Honesty and conflict are necessary for growth to happen. Shying away from either will result in a hardened heart that will be even harder to soften.

A few specifics:
• The Bible tells us every person who sins (lying, cheating, stealing, lusting, being greedy, and so on) will be spiritually and physically separated from God (Romans 3:23). Those people deserve punishment for sin, which means eventual death and spending eternity in a terrible place, Hell.
• Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes through the Father except through Him (John 14:6).
• Life starts when we encounter Jesus and decide to personally and passionately follow Him (John 17:3). God desires that none should perish, but it is our choice to follow Jesus in salvation and true life. Press into this and what it means for your life and others. 

I know what you believe about dating because I was you.

I remember you believing the “Disney Princess” lie and how the perfect person was just around the corner, how you would bump into her cart at the grocery store, how it would be instant love.

I remember the list you had of all the things you were looking for in a girl: pretty, smart, athletic, adventurous.

Dear Younger, Single Me: Pause here and go get the book The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.

In it, Keller is so bold to say we always marry the wrong person.

What he means is no one is perfect. We all have sin that will create issues in relationships and marriage. Yet, you have committed to your spouse to be faithful no matter what hardships may come in life.

While you are at it, read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

These books changed my perspective greatly, and I would have loved to change my view sooner in life, replacing the idea of fairytale relationships with how God created us to be.

My list for my future wife changed. The Lord impressed on my heart to find someone who loved Him more than anything else. I realized if we have our eyes set on abiding in Jesus and sharing Him with others, everything else will fall into place. And, Future/Single Me, I don’t just mean an intellectual belief in the Lord, but a mission of living out and obeying God’s commands. 

You need to replace dating with courting.

Dating usually involves spending time with someone without clear commitments. People date until they are no longer satisfied and then they break up and move on. This is essentially practice for divorce. All relationships will have hardships. You should not quit simply because it is hard.

Commitment matters. 

Dating usually has selfishness at the core, with a guy whispering secrets in the dark to a woman in order to get what he desires. Men tend to push physical boundaries, while women tend to push emotional boundaries. Neither are healthy if they exceed the current commitment level in the relationship.

Courtship involves clear boundaries and respect. You are respecting the person you are courting by clearly defining your intentions to her and potentially her parents/family.

Healthy boundaries hold you both accountable to honor each other and your future spouse. This person you are courting may not be your future spouse, even if you are engaged. She is not yours to enjoy until she is your wife.

Physical boundaries include appropriate touching. I would recommend being on the conservative side until she is your wife. Your intimacy with her should never exceed your courting commitment. You want to keep her holy and honorable for her future husband. A great way to stay accountable is to always be in groups when you spend time together: friends, family, or others. Make sure others in the group know of your intentions and agree with the concept. If they do not, then they will not be of any help with accountability.

Listen to me, if I could go back and change anything with how I dated, this is the major component it. I would only ever spend time with females in groups who would encourage healthy courting.

You also need to be careful with other forms of connection, including emotional connections. Many people are too connected in an area with someone they are pursuing and are heartbroken when the relationship ends. If a relationship needs to end, both people should be a better version of themselves and leave healthy. 

Your ambition is a great tool, but it can also be a great weakness.

Be careful to listen to the Lord and your wise council before jumping quickly into opportunities. Pray about opportunities and take time to consider them. Is it something you really need? Will it glorify God? Can it wait? Does it help you with what God has specifically called you to?

I believe in you.

Be slow to speak, quick to listen, quick to confess sin, and quick to forgive. You will need plenty of forgiveness yourself over the years. If I can make it, I know you can too.

Hold fast and run the race set before you for the glory of God!

Sincerely,
Older, Married Michael

Michael and his wife are full-time missionaries in Missouri, sharing the Gospel with the lost, discipling followers of Jesus to be on mission, and partnering with local churches. 

Cover Michael and his wife with their twin daughters.

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