If you would have asked me 15 years ago what it meant to be loved, my answer would have been very different than it is now. 

I grew up learning love was something you had to fight for. It was also something to be taken from you with one mistake. I spent my childhood thinking I was only loved when I “deserved” it, when I worked for it.

words + photographs DEZIRAE RITCHIE

As a child, I saw and experienced so many different versions of “love.” If I did well in school, I was loved. If I dressed well enough, I was loved. If I was a perfect Christian, I was loved. If I kept secrets, I was loved.

I never knew my parents while they were together. They split up when I was a small child. I lived with my mother until I was five – when I went to my dad’s house for the weekend and my dad and stepmother found the bruises from the beating my mother’s boyfriend had given me. 

I spent the rest of my childhood living with my father and stepmother. 

After a year of supervised visitation, I was allowed to go with my mom every other weekend. The court issued a restraining order against her boyfriend. It said he was not allowed around me or even in the same building until after my 21st birthday. 

Unfortunately, the boyfriend did not heed the order. He was still around, and he was still with my mother. She told me to keep the secret and not tell anyone. It was our first secret to keep. 

As I grew older, my mom had a new boyfriend nearly every other weekend. Those boyfriends did terrible things to me, and when I told her so, she would say I was confused or lying. Many terrible stories came during that time of my life. I spent the rest of my childhood keeping secrets and fighting for my mother’s love.

By the time I was 11 years old, all I did was focus on what to do or who to be in order to be loved. 

Around that time, my stepmother started taking us to church. I remember the day I got saved like it was yesterday. 

I was wearing a skirt most of the congregation did not approve of due to its length. I was sitting in the back row of the church with all the pastors’ kids. 

The main pastor was talking about John 3:16 and told us to insert our names into the Scripture:

“For God so loved Dezirae that He gave His one and only Son. So that if Dezirae believes in Him she will not perish but have eternal life.” 

As I sat there, I heard God say, “I love you just the way you are.” It was like He was sitting next to me. I actually looked at my friend, wondering if she heard it, but she didn’t show any reaction.

I felt the Holy Spirit pull me to the altar, but I sat still. I was so scared I would be judged because I wasn’t wearing the right clothes. I didn’t know the Bible, and I definitely didn’t know how to be a “Christian,” like they all said I needed to be. 

How could I go up to the altar and receive Jesus into my heart when I was a mess? 

I can’t tell you what got me out of that pew other than the Holy Spirit. I walked very quickly up front and fell to my knees, where I found myself completely engulfed in His love. 

I felt like I was sitting in His lap, resting my head on His chest, and receiving true love for the first time. I didn’t need to give anything, say anything or look a certain way. I just went to Him open-hearted and received His love.

What I have learned is God loves each one of us so much, and He chose us. 

No matter what mistakes we make, how we look, or what we do and don’t do for Him, He chooses us.

Even when we turn away from Him and run from His calling on our lives, He chooses us.

He never leaves us, and He never gives up on us.

And He loves us so much that before we were even born, He chose to give His one and only Son for us. 

However.
Knowing God’s love didn’t automatically heal my brokenness.

When I met my husband, Chris, I thought I had my past figured out. I thought I knew how to love and receive love. (And I did when it came to my relationship with the Lord.) But when it came to men, I had sooo much to work through and figure out. 

I would like to say I stopped bargaining for love, but, unfortunately, the words just shifted:

He will love me more if the house is perfect. 
He will love me more if I’m pretty enough.

If I make enough money and provide enough for my family, I will be loved. 

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I found myself in a very sad and dark cycle, the cycle of proving I was worth being loved. 

You see, I only knew how to base love on my actions, decisions and accomplishments. I found myself in a very sad and dark cycle, the cycle of proving I was worth being loved. 

I made some mistakes in my marriage the first year. We actually split up for a while and it started with my moving out while Chris was out of town. Many people would say he had the right to move on or end it. 

But, Chris didn’t move on or end it.

Instead, he fought hard for our marriage. 

And it is because he fought that we just celebrated 15 years. Chris showed me it didn’t matter how far I ran from him or what I said to him, he would keep fighting. 

He said to me, “It doesn’t matter what mistakes you make. It doesn’t matter how you look or what you do, my love will never change for you. I love you.”

I believed I didn’t deserve his love because I had based it on what the world says love is. I am so grateful for a godly husband, one who knows what love and forgiveness truly mean.

When we got back together, Chris made sure to put God first in our relationship and showed me how to put God first in my own life. Before my husband, kids and family. 

Love is simple, but we will never truly understand it until we surrender to God’s love. He chooses to love us no matter how He is feeling. Even in the midst of our mistakes, He loves each one of us.  

“Reckless Love” is a song I challenge you to go listen to. “He leaves the 99 to find the one,” the song says. “He chases me down.” 

Friend, Jesus always leaves the 99 to go find the missing one, and He never stops searching until He finds you. 

This is such a small example of how much He loves you. He will always choose you no matter the mistakes. He will kick down any wall, light any darkness, and climb any mountain to get to you. You see, He will always choose you and will never leave you. 

Will you allow Him to show you how much He loves you?

Will you say, “He loves me and chooses me no matter what,” and believe it for yourself?  

I chose to say, “YES.” 

Yes, I will see myself through His lens. 
Yes, I will come out from hiding from the love I didn’t think I deserved. 

It was only when I said, “Yes,” to the Lord I was able to believe, “I am loved, and I deserve to be loved.” Now, NOW, I can truly say I am loved. And I know how to receive it. 

Do you know how to receive that love? Do you know how to give it?

Dezirae Ritchie is a mother of three boys and is married to Chris Ritchie. She lives in Republic, Missouri, where she works full time in ministry.

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