If it’s true, then why doesn’t it feel true?
What if I am doing it wrong?
Maybe I need to say the prayer one more time. Just to be safe.

These questions echoed in my heart.

I was a pastor’s kid. My parents tell me I could say Jesus loves me before I could say almost anything else as a child. I knew all the right answers in church. I was a good kid. And everyone told me I was a great leader who would do great things for Jesus.

And I loved God.
But.
I wasn’t sure if God really loved me.

words + photographs KALEIGH WEINGARTNER

The role I had learned to play was one of perfection. I learned if I were a good, well-behaved kid and an up-and-coming leader, then other people would approve of me and love me. And I thought to myself, if this is how people loved me, then I must be even better in order for God to love me too.

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I tried to remove every sin in my life,
thinking I would capture His attention,
and He would let me know Him.

I wanted to know God, but I believed I needed to be good enough for Him first. I fought my way to Him through my actions, desperate to know Him, but never finding Him. I tried to remove every sin in my life, thinking I would capture His attention, and He would let me know Him.

I prayed, but all I heard was my own mind screaming condemnation. You need to be more kind. More patient. Read your Bible more. Remember when you were a jerk six years ago? You need to wallow in repentance for that forever.

The more I tried to be good enough for Him, the more I failed.

I never understood how salvation could be a free gift. I heard the Gospel preached thousands of times, but I didn’t believe it. I believed in God, but this whole salvation-by-faith-alone thing just didn’t make sense to me.

I came to realize I believed in God, but I didn’t believe in Jesus.

On the outside, I was still doing all the right things by what I believed to be Christian standards, but I was dying on the inside. I even went to seminary and received a degree in theology, thinking I could find my way to God through knowledge.

When that didn’t work, the breakdown started. 

I began looking at the Bible as a textbook, thinking I could believe some of it and not believe other parts of it. Maybe God was our Creator, but this whole Jesus thing was a little wacky.

Instead of believing all of Scripture, I started to take it apart to create a version of Christianity I could understand. It was easier to swallow, and it allowed me to have more grace for myself to make poor decisions here and there. It was a welcome relief to my desperate run toward being the “perfect Christian” I had pursued my whole life.

Yet, the relief was only an illusion.

I still longed for peace with God in my heart, and I knew I didn’t have it.  

During this time of deconstruction, I was reminded of Saul’s story in Acts.

Saul grew up knowing all there was to know about God and His Word. He was taught by the best teachers, rose through the ranks and became one of the most respected scholars among the religious teachers. He thought he knew everything about God, but he missed the most important part of all of history.

Jesus. 

Saul was a man desperate to know God but thought he could earn his way to Him through being religiously good. He was doing all the right things by Jewish law, but he was still far away from God. And in that moment of Acts 9:5, the true cry of his heart was revealed in this simple question, “Who are you, Lord?”

And God answered him. Even though Saul was a murderer and did a million other terrible things, God answered him. And God revealed Himself to Saul.

So, I prayed and asked God the same question.

I told God I didn’t have the strength to try and be perfect anymore.
I told God I was never going to make my way to Him on my own.
And I humbly asked Him, “Please show me who You really are.”

I decided if all this were real, God would answer me too.

As I took my focus off perfection, off of myself, I noticed shifts happening around me. I read the Bible just to read it, not to prove anything. Multiple times a week, I would go for walks and talk out loud to God about anything and everything on my mind, without trying to be anything other than who I am.

Motivated by a need for community, I started attending a new church where I watched my peers love Jesus in a way I’d never seen before. They actually loved Him, and it showed in everything they did.

When one of my friends stood with tears before a group of people and spoke of the need for people overseas in dangerous places to hear about Jesus — and her desire to go and tell them — it shook something in my heart.

This is real. It has to be. Jesus HAS to be real.

In a way I never had before, I was seeing Jesus in her and in the community around me. I felt a freedom from condemnation and striving, a peace, and an overwhelming love that didn’t make sense. All the things I’d heard about Jesus were coming to life. I wondered if, because I was so blinded by striving all my life, I had missed it.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you… ,” (Isaiah 43:1).

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” (Romans 8:1).

God’s Word was pounding in my heart.

I sat down with another friend to ask her about knowing Jesus, for real. Terrified I would just pray the prayer again, for the millionth time, and nothing would change, she walked me again through Romans, reminding me it is not my actions that save, but simply faith in Jesus.

“There is no condemnation, Kaleigh,” she said, reassuring me. “Trust in Jesus and let Him transform your life.”

And I say the same to you who are reading my story. Jesus is real. Salvation is free. Put down your boxing gloves, your checklist, your rule book and your track record. Lay aside your desperate running toward perfection and learn what Jesus meant when He said, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners,” (Matthew 9:13).

Kaleigh Weingartner is in full-time missions at School to the Nations (Ozark, Missouri), working to get the good news of Jesus Christ to the remaining unreached people groups around the world. She is married to her husband, Paul John, and enjoys playing board games, camping, and going on road trip adventures.

COVER Kaleigh Weingartner and her husband, Paul John, in Lesotho.

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