It was 3 a.m. as I sat staring at the photos of my four sweet babies above the couch. Tears poured from my eyes as my mind finally began to digest the reality that, at 28 years old, I was facing a battle with breast cancer. I heard the words spoken as the doctor told me the news several days before, but it was like my brain was just then catching up.  

words + photographs KIRSTIN STEWARD

My heart was heavy, so I had crawled out of bed to sit with the Lord in our quiet house, my Bible and journal in my lap. I glanced up at the photos on the wall and began to reflect on how much the kids had grown.

Our oldest, Kaleigh, was going to be seven. Jakob was coming up on four, and our twins, Alec and Benjamin, would be three in the fall. Thoughts of the journey ahead weighed on my soul. Questions swirled about the future. Fear started to settle in and so brought forth the tears. As I sat there sobbing in the silence, a familiar song chorus I had heard earlier began to play on repeat softly in my ear.

The joy of the Lord will be my strength
I will not falter, I will not faint
He is my Shepherd, I am not afraid
The joy of the Lord is my strength (Twila Paris).

My heart skipped a beat as I felt the Lord pull mine toward His. I wanted to have His joy be my strength. I was led to Nehemiah 8 where the Israelites listened to Ezra read the Scriptures, and they sobbed due to their sin, but he called them to rejoice instead as it was a day of celebration. I realized that night was a day of celebration for me, too, as Jesus had redeemed me by His blood. I was no longer a slave to sin but free by, and in, Christ’s saving grace. The joy of the Lord would also be my strength! 

The days ahead were filled with more scans and tests to determine the next steps in eradicating the cancer. Being a sincerely modest person, it was quite awkward to have all the random people “handling” my poor breasts. From MRI to mapping and everything in between, I couldn’t have been more uncomfortable, but I wasn’t alone. Jesus was with me. I sang that same little chorus and claimed Nehemiah 8:10 on the daily. 

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Fear would just have to take a back seat.

The time came for chemotherapy. Fear trickled back in like an old leaky faucet, but God was ready with His bucket. Friends and family had been sending encouraging notes and cards our way, covering our entertainment center like holiday decorations. That’s when a card came that read, “Praying that God would show up and show off in your life.” Now, I can’t suggest what that might mean to any other human, but to this girl, that was a challenge given. I decided right then and there I was not only going to focus on letting His joy be my strength, but I was also going to get out of the way in hopes He would show off in my life. Fear would just have to take a back seat. 

Speaking of back seats, this is where my cancer journey began to take off on a wild ride only God Himself could have driven. It began with my chemotherapy nurse asking if I would be a contact for other young women also facing this journey. That turned into becoming a part of a group of breast cancer-battling families who were blessed with a retreat together. This was one of our kids’ favorite “cancer adventures” as we traveled to North Carolina in the fall. When you grow up on the beach, the beauty of a golden oak tree in October is truly magical. 

Before I knew it, the Lord was opening opportunities for me to share my story with a local newspaper, TV station, and through several radio interviews. The most amazing part about all of this was how I was able to share what the Lord was doing in my life with anyone watching or listening. The heaviness I once felt about my journey rested on His shoulders as I watched Him show up and show off in more ways than my words can express. My questions about the future were answered by the joy of knowing He was my strength, no matter what unknowns were ahead. Fear didn’t own me anymore because He did. 

Today, more than 20 years later, I continue to be cancer-free. My sweet babies are all adults, some with kids of their own. When my heart is heavy about something in the middle of the night, I still crawl out of bed and go sit with The Lord. Sometimes tears fall as fear tries to sneak in, but God then reminds me of this journey-turned-adventure we had together. If I listen in the silence, I can still hear those words whisper in my ear, “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” I praise Him as I know He will continue to show up and show off in my life. 

Kirstin Steward lives in Knoxville, Tennessee, and is mom to four (now grown) kids: Kaleigh, Jakob, Alec, and Benjamin; and she is “Nona” to her four grandchildren. Kirstin enjoys serving in local church ministry alongside her husband, Michael, and works full-time for Yard Mastery, a DIY lawn care company. She enjoys adventuring through the Great Smoky Mountains, spending time with her family, going on dates with her husband, and going to the movies.

COVER Kirstin Steward standing beside her daughter on Kaleigh’s wedding day.

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