Homegrown Journal

It was UTTERLY RIDICULOUS and made absolutely no sense whatsoever, and yet there God was, speaking it into our hearts.

“Have another baby,” He said. “Start again,” He said. “Go back to the beginning. I want this for you.” He said.
“Ummm, are you sure, Lord? I mean, … our youngest is five. And the baby stage was really hard on us. And, well, we kind of like the freedom we have now.”
“Yes. This is what I have for you.”
“Well, uh, OK. If You say so. We’ll trust You.”

words + photographs BRENDA LEI CASEY

OK, so technically the conversation didn’t quite go like that. In reality, it took months of ongoing discussion between the Lord and me before I truly reached that last line.

And so, as the story goes, it was in September of 2020 that we celebrated a positive pregnancy test. It was only a few weeks later I had to tell my husband I was miscarrying.

The weeks following the miscarriage were a blur. I cried. A lot. On my hubby’s shoulders, anytime certain songs came on, in the shower so no one else could see me, when I’d walk by mothers pushing strollers in the mall.

One day, I read in Psalm 81 where it says, “I would satisfy you with wild honey from a rock,” and I thought, “That’s it, Lord. Honey. Right now all I see and all I feel is rock. I need the honey part. I’m so over the rock. Can you please, please just give me the honey?” And I knew He would.

Throughout the next few months I began somewhat claiming this honey in my life. I even decided exactly what that honey would be. Our honey was going to be another baby, and this one wouldn’t be taken from us like the last one was. Many parents refer to a baby born after a loss as a “rainbow baby,” but I decided we were going to call this future baby a honey baby. A honey baby is what I wanted, so a honey baby is what I prayed for. And a honey baby is what I expected.

Time passed.

One Sunday morning I found myself unable to sing a song I had sung countless times before. The lyrics were on the screen but not on my heart. “Your name is like honey on my lips … .”

My spirit was unsettled and bucking. “But I want a honey baby. Your name is the honey? Surely there’s more.” That afternoon I read every honey verse in the Bible, and I was left with no choice but to confess my selfishness. The verses never alluded to someone being able to choose their preferred form of honey, and they certainly didn’t talk about a baby. They did however confirm what honey was. Honey was His name, and it was His Word. Honey was found in His presence, and His salvation was sweeter than honey. In seeking what I thought I needed, I had missed what I already had.

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That gift was Christ and Christ alone. He was and is sufficient. HE IS MY HONEY.

I had been given the most precious gift in the world. And that gift wasn’t the three children I already had, nor the future baby I was hoping to have. That gift was Christ and Christ alone. He was and is sufficient. HE IS MY HONEY. I prayed: “Lord, You have given me life! You guide me and treasure me and seek me even when I don’t seek you, and I’m so sorry I forget how valuable You are. Thank you for the reminder. You truly are all I need, and I’m sorry it took this long for me to remember that.”

A month later, my husband and I celebrated another positive pregnancy test. I’m currently in my third trimester (the baby — boy or girl? — is due in early October). But make no mistake: This baby is no honey baby. My honey comes from the Lord, and this baby is just another one of His incredible blessings I don’t deserve. When I’m in the midst of experiencing rocks, I’m grateful He has reminded me He is my constant supply of honey. There’s nothing sweeter. BLC

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Brenda Lei Casey is a huge fan of big fun, good food, the more the merrier, and authenticity in her walk with the Lord. She and her family live and serve in Spain.